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BUST OUT THE BLANK CHECK : America Is Going Bonkers For Bonkers Waddington

November 21st, 2011 at 12:23 am by Gerard

You might think we’re a pretty arrogant bunch at Matador Records and Filmworks. We used to be, at least until everything we knew about showbiz was piledriven into the pavement (GET IT?) by a group of young men from Minneapolis who I’m pretty sure will go down as the biggest thing to hit that town since Owl City Trip Shakespeare. We’ve already blown our 2012 signing budget on Ceremony and The Young, so it’ll be up to another enterprising label (Fat Possum, we’re looking right at you) to take full advantage of the musical equivalent of this friendly label throwing a big meatball right down the middle of the plate. You’re welcome!


“Please get in touch with me at the address above or contact my male secretary via electronic mail.” wrote Mr. Bickerton, though a few weeks later, he opted to send the following message rather than send a second package to my home address (thanks for that, by the way).

Dear Mr. Cosloy,

I take it the COZY promo materials I dispatched to you on the 19th of October have made their way into your hands by now. While you are doubtlessly in the process of drafting a contract worthy of a band with COZY’s limitless promise, I must urge you not to stand on ceremony any longer. Our offices here at Razzle Dazzle Ltd. have been flooded with requests from major record labels across the globe in recent weeks, including such heavy hitters as RAK, BELL, DECCA, CUBE, STATE, POLYDOR GERMANY, and RCA JAPAN. However, we would still like to give you first crack at releasing these recordings due to Matador’s reputation as a label on the cutting edge of trends in popular music. As I’m sure you are aware, the sky is truly the limit when marketing a band like COZY. Hit records are a matter of course with these boys, but the sales of merchandise aimed at their teenage fanbase (lunchboxes, dolls, posters, backpacks, trading cards, board games, chapter books. etc.) will open up a myriad of potential revenue streams for the record label lucky enough to sign them. This is to say nothing of the Cozy Variety Hour program that is being shopped around to networks at this very moment! It’s no exaggeration to say that COZY have the potential to be bigger than the Osmonds and the Defranco’s COMBINED!!!!!

Again, I implore you to act soon before this once in a lifetime opportunity slips away forever. Fortune favors the bold and dreams only come true if we have the courage to make them into reality. Let’s make some magic together.

Sincerely,

Edwin Bickerton
President, Razzle Dazzle Ltd.

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9 Responses to “BUST OUT THE BLANK CHECK : America Is Going Bonkers For Bonkers Waddington”

  1. Edwin Bickerton Says:

    Mr. Cosloy,

    Although it pains me to see you allow a golden goose to slip through your fingers, I must laud your benevolence in offering the opportunity to release COZY’s debut single to your contemporaries at Fat Possum Records. I do not know if they can match the generous offer that has been laid on the table by Polydor Japan, but they are certainly welcome to try. They or any other enterprising label executives with prescient vision and unlimited coffers are welcome to contact me directly at the following address: edwinbickerton@gmail.com (I fired my former male secretary for embezzling millions on the deal with Mego for their upcoming line of COZY dolls). Serious offers only please. Reach for the stars my friends.

  2. Edwin Bickerton Says:

    Dear Music Fans,

    It has come to my attention that via the miracle of technology it is now possible to listen to music via a personal computing device!!! We here at Razzle Dazzle like to think we are on the cutting edge of trends in music, but this one really threw us for a loop!!! Regardless, in the spirit of giving the people what they want we have decided to make an electronic reproduction of COZY’s debut single available to the record buying public FREE OF CHARGE!!!! You can listen here: http://www.facebook.com/EdwinBickerton?sk=app_178091127385
    Interested labels please note that the bidding war for COZY has reached a fever pitch and it would be wise to strike while the iron is red hot!!!!!

  3. Girard Jangletoon Says:

    Hey lets find where Edwin Bickerton lives, chain him to the top of a water tower and keep him sustained by force feeding him human waste twice a day for the rest of his life up there!

  4. Edwin Bickerton Says:

    Mr. Jangletoon,

    As an emigre from the UK I must admit I am not up to speed with the ins and outs of your American Thanksgiving holiday, but I’m afraid I will have to respectfully pass on the festivities you suggested for me. I spent the holiday taking a break from sorting through the mountain of offers from big time record labels that have been flooding in recently – although there is still time for other enterprising labels to be considered by writing to edwinbickerton@gmail.com – and enjoyed a fine meal of champagne, veal, and turkey with the members of COZY at the Razzle Dazzle Ltd. headquarters. I must say watching FABIAN BLOCKBUSTER beat out the rhythm to COZY’s upcoming single COLA SHOCK KIDS on his plate with two massive turkey drumsticks was much preferable to your rather bizarre idea of a holiday celebration!!! Thank you for the offer though, and most of all, thank you for being a fan!!!!! BONKERS and the boys’ send their love!!!!

    Your friend,
    Edwin

  5. Edwin Bickerton Says:

    Please pardon my lack of professionalism by putting an apostrophe after the “s” in “boys” in the above post. I believe all of this champagne has gone to my head! Who knew a turkey baster could double as a makeshift champagne flute?

  6. Endless Nick Says:

    I don’t know about these Cozy folks, but I think the delightfully fake-named Edwin Bickerton has the potential to be the next Neil Bogart. I’m seeing a shipped gold/returned platinum type situation in his future. Well played so far, sir, well played.

  7. Edwin Bickerton Says:

    Mr. Nick,

    Believe me, I know it can be difficult to get one’s bearings when seeing COZY for the first time. Looking at stars of this magnitude can be likened to gazing directly into the sun. Rest assured though that prolonged exposure to COZY will not result in cataracts or any other irreversible medical conditions; other than perhaps an emerging form of mass hysteria psychologists have dubbed COZY MANIA!!!! This fever is spreading across the nation like wildfire as we speak!!!! There is no known cure but the only means of managing this disease is through listening to COZY on a daily basis and frequently purchasing licensed COZY merchandise!!! There is a veritable gold mine waiting for the enterprising label lucky enough to sign COZY!!! It’s funny that you mentioned our friend Neil Bogart because Casablanca has recently shipped a very lucrative deal to our offices. However we are still holding off on signing in order to give all interested parties have had time to submit their offers!!! Again, enterprising labels can get in contact with me directly at edwinbickerton@gmail.com. In addition, COZY’s fans can interact with the band via the miracle of modern technology through a website called “Face Book” at http://www.facebook.com/EdwinBickerton

    Before I go, a parting word to the wise: get ahead of tomorrow’s next big thing today or get left in the dust!!!

    Thank you for being a fan,
    Edwin

  8. Edwin Bickerton Says:

    Mr Nick,

    As a quick addendum to the above response I must mention that the name on my birth certificate is indeed “Edwin” although I have my doubts that yours bears the name “Endless.” Also I must disabuse you of the notion that there is a shipped gold/returned platinum scenario in my future. COZY’s debut record my in fact ship gold, but when all the sales are tabulated it is going to end up setting a new standard for sales. Forget multi-platinum, COZY will go down in history as the first band to receive a DENIM RECORD from the RIAA!!!!!!!!

    Thank you for being a fan,
    Edwin

  9. toke! Says:

    May I be so bold as to recommend the services of the esteemed Mr. Buddy Berkman for production duties?