Biff, Bamn!, Pow – Post Foodie On The “Crap-o-matic”

Though he couldn’t pack Chris Lombardi’s lunch when it comes to gourmet journalism, the New York Post’s Steve Cuozzo (above) did a fine job yesterday of imposing a death sentence on Bamn!, St. Marks Place’s attempt at recalling the Automats of yesteryear.

If its mostly vile $1-$2 delicacies – from chicken nuggets to peanut-butter-and-jelly empanadas – were sold in a deli, they wouldn’t draw a fruit fly. They are possibly the worst foodstuffs ever offered for human consumption outside a famine zone.

But automats have a Freudian hold on New Yorkers’ imaginations, even among those too young to have ever seen one. Bamn!’s clever owners saw how popular automats are in Japan and some European cities. Let’s launch a 24/7 operation serving instant junk food to boozers from the ‘burbs! Let’s put the stuff behind a wavy pink wall of plastic windows! Let’s use an exclamation point!

Chicken “teriburgers,” devoid of teriyaki flavor, come slathered in pink, mayo-like goo; roast pork buns conceal ghastly pools of pig matter.

Beware above all peanut-butter-and-jelly empanadas. Bite into the leaden dough with utmost care, lest a tide of purple-brown matter spew forth like a backed-up toilet.

Bamn! has a “consulting chef” – poor Kevin Reilly, who once did a good job at SoHo’s Zoe, but whose most recent local gig was comically bad Silverleaf Tavern, which gave up and converted itself into a lounge.

Bamn! should convert, too – perhaps to a phone booth, which could take your quarters but not pay you back with acid reflux.

6 thoughts on “Biff, Bamn!, Pow – Post Foodie On The “Crap-o-matic””

  1. I COMPLETELY disagree. I know the creator of the Bamn automat personally. He is a dear friend of mine. I must say that he is a brilliantly inspirational man. He put efforts into this automat that are clearly unimaginable to a virgin mind like yours. Instead of seeing things as negative, grasping the efforts put into this will probably make everyone happier, eventually. Even you, sir. If not, you don’t deserve to flaunt this Earth, simply spewing negativity.
    Think about it.
    GRASP it.
    Grow up.

  2. Agbar,

    I\’m not sure who you are addressing with your admittedly biased reply, but we\’re merely quoting Mr. Cuzzo\’s review in the New York Post. Perhaps you should direct your comments to him and his newspaper?

    I\’ll add that while I\’ve yet to sample Bamn!\’s fare, I fail to see anything brilliant or inspirational about painting a FEBO pink.

    On the bright side, I\’m sure Bamn! features considerably less junkie puke at 3am than many FEBO\’s.

  3. No need for that. You’re fools for supporting his biased view of a tainted world, either way. And if you don’t know how to handle art, then you should not be commenting on the design of BAMN. It’s the greatest thing for business. Here’s a lesson. Marketing 101. In order for something to sell, it needs to be BIG and it needs to attract attention. ACCOMPLISHED. AND! They managed to maintain a unique, clean, and delicious food shop (unlike others which the normal obese American enjoys, like McDonalds, Burger King, etc.) You know. The places where you might eat and consider it DELICIOUS for a simple buck-buck-buck. So the moral is…keep comments to yourselves and think before you speak.
    Rereading your comment…it struck me. God, you’re such a moron. No other word to describe your type.

  4. Who is that awful looking man in that photograph? I hope he’s no representing you guys or your newspapers. Sounds like a bunch of BS hating to me. Pssh. Stop fronting.

  5. Dear Shit 4 Brains,

    Thanks for the Marketing 101 tips. We’ve been struggling for, I dunno, 17 YEARS to sell anything.

    We’re hardly supporting Cuzzo’s “biased view of a tainted world”. We’re merely providing the reader with an opportunity to make up his or her own mind. Since you’re clearly only interested in reading opinions that correspond with your own, I wholeheartedly encourage you and your genius-designer-buddy to go fuck yourselves.

  6. Mr. Hipster,

    \”Who is that awful looking man in that photograph? I hope he’s no representing you guys or your newspapers.\”

    Ahem :

    \”Though he couldn’t pack Chris Lombardi’s lunch when it comes to gourmet journalism, the New York Post’s Steve Cuozzo (above) did a fine job yesterday of imposing a death sentence on Bamn!, St. Marks Place’s attempt at recalling the Automats of yesteryear.\”

    The part where it says ABOVE, Steve Hawking? That means THE MAN IN THE PHOTOGRAPH is Steve Cuozzo of the New York Post. The guy who wrote the review. The review is linked to above. We don\’t publish a newspaper. The New York Post does. If you\’d like to take the matter of Cuozzo\’s review or his clothes with them, by all means, please do so.

    I\’m closing the comments on this one. Sorry to get all fascist on you, but the owner of Bamn really needs to find some friends who aren\’t completely retarded.

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